I know. I'm horrible, absolutely horrible.

"I begin to suspect that the world is divided not only into the happy and the unhappy, but into those who like happiness and those who, odd as it seems, really don't."

—C.S. Lewis

 
So, I'm 30 now. Have I mentioned that before? Nope, Probably not, because my birthday sucked. It was last September and I had just given birth to my adorable joy-baby Milo and it was no time to focus on me or the big birthday bash that I dreamed about.

Let me tell you, I've got some over-the-top expectations in my head about this 'never happened' 30th birthday party: I wanted my favorite local band, Slam, to play at an outdoor venue with beautiful twinkling lights surrounding us. ...Ok, that's all I can manage to describe ....but in my head... it seems SO amazing. Dancing, twinkling lights, lots of friends, family, and laughter.

So my vague but impossible 30th birthday party never happened. Then I tried to impose that on my husband this year when our 10th wedding anniversary came around. I filled him in on my dreams spouting words like "Twinkling lights!" "Slam!"
Yes, all of this could add up to the party that I imagined... and maybe even a few toasts from dear friends about how awesome we are at being married 10 WHOLE years (ok, stop rolling your eyes and listen to my rant). All of it was coming together! I even had an argument all worked out "Once you're accomplished to have a real anniversary party - like a 50th - you're too old to appreciate it, let's do it for our 10th, while we're young!" He didn't buy it. Nor would we ever be able to afford it.

So back to my actual birthday which I told you sucked. What really happened is that my husband stressed out about my high-expectations combined with the fact that I had JUST HAD A BABY (somehow this part was overlooked by me) and he made small efforts to see if he could pull off a mini-version of my delusions of grandeur by inquiring about renting a room at a restaurant. Of course that was never going to rival "Slam!" Twinkling Lights!" and so, even without telling me about his attempt, he opted to do
...nothing.

That's right. Nothing. I mean, yes, he said Happy Birthday to me. He doesn't HATE me. He just doesn't know how to please an impossible princess with ridiculous ideas. I scrambled his brain to a point of shut down, I guess.

...So on my actual birthdate I ended up spending it at home, without one special gesture. Just nursing a 10 day old baby and feeling sorry for myself that I wasn't being lauded and praised for being alive another day. (insert lame joke about world smallest violin here)

I thought,  "The jerk could have given me a card or something."

In a way, it's my own fault. Really, honestly, at the end of the day did he ever have a chance?

He really didn't.

In the end it was all good. The actual day felt like a let down but the next day I got a cake and a card and flowers. And later some girlfriends (with my husband's help) surprised me with a Birthday Breakfast and later that month we had a nice dinner with some close friends. To be 30 is really no big thing. There's nothing that I was hanging onto in regards to youth or 'one last chance to party'. I just like a good excuse to make a big deal out of things. So I thought this milestone birthday as an excuse would be a good one.

I can spot thousands of things to be thankful for in this photo. Can you?

 
I still hang onto that dream party. I look for other reasons to have it but I know it's just a dream.

The worst part of all of this is that there really isn't a moral or a lesson to be had in any of this. I know my expectations are high but that's how I LIKE them. Am I a brat or what?!

Well, maybe there is a lesson in knowing this: If your expectations are high your disappointments are going to hit you hard and bring you low. Really low.

If you can be ok with that. Life is good.

Writing this now is proof that I'm ok with it. Before, I was so turned upside down over something so silly that I even wished that I could have a 'do-over' year. At this point in my life, there are many reasons I would want to erase parts of this year or make it a 'do-over' ...but that failed version of a 30th birthday isn't at the top of my list anymore.

It's silly, really. I have so much to be thankful for.


Hey, maybe I AM maturing!!!? ...I happen to be 30 years old, by the way. :)




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